Long Distance Sucks

My name is Tiffany and I hate long distance.

It's been 2 and a half months since that airport goodbye scene and thinking about the last time I saw him and held him in my arms still brings tears to my eyes.

There are days that I actually manage to convince myself that I'm used to it- this new life without him physically being there. In my head, it's something that I personally need to go through. My last relationship (before it got to the stage of us going long-distance) made me incredibly dependent on my ex boyfriend. I tell myself that this time, I can still manage to be in a relationship without losing my own sense of identity. And sometimes I really manage to fool myself into believing that this is better for us. Because there are some days that the mundane, everyday routines get so repetitive, that I become so used to the void that I don't even notice it anymore.

But just because I don't notice it, doesn't mean it's not there.

There are days that it really hits me hard that he's not around. The void becomes heart-breakingly painful and I just sit there wishing that I could magically transport him here, or transport myself there. It seems to hit equally hard during happy occasions with friends when I wish that he could share it with me and during sad occasions such as bad days or fights with my parents. Narrating either event on email or chat just doesn't have the same impact. And online hugs just don't feel as good as real ones.

The worst part about our situation is that we don't know when we can see each other again. International flights are ridiculously expensive and vacation days are hard to come by. And then there's the fact that my traditional parents will probably flip a sh-t at the idea of their little girl going on holiday with a boy. I don't even want to begin to explain to them why we're not going to be in separate rooms. I don't think the excuse "it's cheaper" is really going to fly with them.

It's just a little sad because when we talk, we have all these grand plans for the future. There's the possibility of going to business school together, going to these exotic places for vacations, and the dream apartment that we want to have when we've somehow miraculously won the lottery and can afford that penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park.

It's memories and daydreams like these that make me tear up as I fall asleep, wishing for the weight of his arm around me, and the feeling of warmth as he holds me and I drift off to sleep pretending he'll never let me go.

In the end, what keeps me sane is the thought that there is most likely a grand plan for me out there that will make this all worth it in the end. And if that doesn't come soon enough, hopefully by then I'll be able to take matters into my own hands and give destiny a little nudge.

feeling good.

Things have been stressful lately with exams. Do they purposely have to make med school a marathon?! Its been awhile since my last post so its time for an update. These days, life has proved to be full of little things that make me appreciate my life right now. I am lucky to be where I am right now for many reasons. First off, I am surprising myself with the amount of discipline I gained (during my year off?). I mean, I was master procrastinator in college so how the heck am I putting in 8 hours a day of studying?! Maybe its coffee. I never knew. Second, I have been reforming my relationship with my sister. I'm learning to appreciate all the things she had to go through over the last few years and its going a long way to bridging some of the distance between us over the last year. Third, my mom has lightened up and stops by to cook for me and bring me cookies and ice cream!! (this coming from the mom who removed all sugar filled products from our house when I was 12). Good stuff. Fourth, I have made some great friends who come to surprise visit me and help me remember how to have fun...and I am getting better at keeping in touch with old friends (thanks to skype and blogs, lol). And lastly, my boyfriend has been super supportive and still makes me laugh in my most stressed moments. 

With my birthday coming up, I have to shake myself into remembering that I am still so young with not much life experience (despite my old person aches and pains). But, I feel like things have changed so much. This blog is not about referring to past, bad experiences, but I know that I wouldn't be thankful for where I am if I didn't remember where I was before.  Sigh, I didn't know relationships were supposed to be like this! I feel bad about losing so much of my college experience trying to make myself something else for a relationship and alienating my friends. I'm lucky I have friends that saw past that and time to grow from my experience. 

Lastly, I am super super excited to vote! Thankfully, I finish exams the day before so I can watch the results. I'll be crossing my fingers and toes!

PS: I have been cooking again, more out of necessity, but I was excited because my last few recipes have come out really well. I made a fritata, a la your dish from sophomore year Jan! Now if only I had some time to bake...

counting down again.

It's been one year.

One year since he asked me to be his girlfriend with a single long stemmed red rose, and it caught me off guard. And since then, he's been catching me off guard.

I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
He'll be boring with me while I study in my room, message me randomly with hearts, send me flowers on our anniversary so I have something pretty in my bare dorm room, serenade me before I go to sleep, wake me for my exams so I can wake up to his voice instead of my annoying blackberry alarms.

But at the same time I don't have him.
He's still a plane ride away, and another two weeks that are just dragging until I'm back home. And still an anatomy practical, six finals in my way. And I feel like I'm burning out already. We talk plenty, but I'm still worried that we might drift apart. Separate social lives, separate schedules. What if it's just too much?

The power went out today. Entire school. Apparently, the second years were having a practical and had just 9 minutes left. They have to finish on Monday and worry more this weekend. I couldn't stand to stay in my room, it was suffocating without the light and it was getting darker outside. So with two friends in tow, we went off to Intelligentsia (best coffee by far in Chicago) by Millennium Park (it's really autumn now...) for a break and to study there, which digressed into going to a bookstore and looking at bridal magazines instead for two hours with coffee.

I felt like I was home again. Just being silly, doing silly things, without having the stress of constant exams on my mind. It made me miss more than just missing him. I missed doing absolutely mundane errands and the most random tangents of our days together. Like taking an unplanned left turn on Hill St. and going future house "shopping". Going to LA Mill for siphon brewed coffee (though sg had the best and only siphon brewed Jamaican Blue Mountain. Sigh. I miss it.) and faux-stalking Eton, head barista, and arguing if it's pronounced "ee-ton" or "eh-ton". I forget which side I was arguing for even now.

Two more weeks. I'm always counting down.

sun comes up

this song has been in my head/on repeat on my itunes lately.

thought you might relate...

Baby when the sun comes up, I'm gonna be holding you

It's destiny that your next to me, I'm in love with you

Oh and baby when I wake up, I'm gonna be there with you,

A new day arrives, I wanna look in your eyes

When the sun comes up

Wishing I Was There

A little something I'm sure we've all felt at one point or another during the course of our long distance relationships...


hi baby,

right now you're sleeping but you're about to wake up. typically you'll snooze the alarm and snuggle up to me for a few more minutes before finally waking up to go to the bathroom. you'll pee, you'll wash your hands and face, you'll shave, you'll brush your teeth, you'll spray your axe and no matter how strong it is, i still love the way you smell. around this time you'll leave the bathroom to put on some clothes, and later to check the weather and grab a granola bar from the kitchen. and then you'll come over to the bed as i sleep there and kiss me on the forehead. sometimes i'm already awake and i reach over to hold your hand and just to feel you on my skin. the touch is soft and fleeting and it always leaves me wanting more. and when you whisper i love you it's always the point where i never want you to leave. where i wish that you could skip work and spend the day cuddling with me. i loved when you held me to sleep. i loved waking up next to you. <3

it's the end of the fourth full week of our separation, and it hasn't gotten any easier. maybe a part of me has become a little number because the pain i feel whenever you're not next to me as i go to bed has hardened me a little bit. there are nights that exhaustion gets the better of me and i can sleep without feeling empty. but sometimes, exhaustion isn't enough and i find a silent, solitary tear trickle down my cheek and onto the pillow. i miss you so much that it hurts.

on the whole i know that wherever we are, whatever we're doing, we're in each other's minds constantly. sometimes it manifests itself in a song that pops up on the radio, a little article on article on the internet, the smell of my (still-packed-in-my-luggage) clothes, or even in a food that i don't like to eat (that you happen to like). i smile when i think of you but i can not ignore that little twinge in my heart that wishes you were here to share these little moments with me.

as i mentioned before, the memories that float back to me are always the haphazard ones. the big "milestone" moments are in there - like the first time you said you loved me, vacations we've taken together. but takeout on the couch, and our sporadic sunday breakfasts of waffles, eggs and sausages ranks up just as highly as those.

as i'm rediscovering manila, i find that myself taking down little mental notes of places to take you so that you may be able to enjoy my home just as much as i used to before i left. before i knew that there was a whole different home that i could have. there are so many experiences i want to share with you. but most of all i wouldn't even mind just locking myself in a hotel room with you and just holding you. it's only been 33 days and this number will get higher... but one day a countdown of a different sort will start and one day it'll be 33 days til we see each other again.

on friday nights you would typically come home early - the 3:30 if you're lucky, or even the 5:30 at the very latest... we'd have dinner out and depending on our moods we'd either be out and about, or chilling on the couch watching "no reservations" or one of the other things on tivo.

and when we turn the lights out at the end of the day, i go to sleep thinking about how happy and how lucky i am to have you in my life.

and about how the hell you can snore so loudly! :P but that's another story. and i wouldn't trade the snoring for anything else in the world.

<3

love and miss you.

mimoo...

yours,
tiffany

love itself shall slumber on...

I used part of this quote in my blog today (throwback to middle school English, anyone?), but I think the poem as a whole relates to jan's last entry and I especaially resonate with the last two lines. It's all about heightening our senses so that when we are physically apart from something or someone we can still remember how we felt when we were together.

MUSIC, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heap'd for the belovèd's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

only time will tell.

It's been a month and a week since I last saw him. And when I got his message that he was waiting for me, I left class, thinking I would be back in time for the physiology exam review that upcoming week. Instead, I couldn't leave, and I didn't.

It feels like months have passed since I last saw him. Though it's only been a month, all the little things slipped my mind, the way he kisses me, the way he looks at me when I'm falling asleep, the way his arm drapes around my waist when we're asleep. Maybe it was the way I was coping, with not being able to have him in my life everyday. But it all came back so fast and in such vivid clarity, and I'm so thankful he was here with me.

I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. This back and forth living with and without him. I'm not patient enough. Everything happens in its own time, but when?

A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

Edit: He left today. He told me to think of it as he's going off to work...and he'll be home soon. Although it'll be me coming home to him in a month and a half. Now to survive the remaining exams and finals and practicals, so I can go home to him. I just want to feel his breathing against the back of my neck as he sleeps with his arms around me.