counting down again.

It's been one year.

One year since he asked me to be his girlfriend with a single long stemmed red rose, and it caught me off guard. And since then, he's been catching me off guard.

I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
He'll be boring with me while I study in my room, message me randomly with hearts, send me flowers on our anniversary so I have something pretty in my bare dorm room, serenade me before I go to sleep, wake me for my exams so I can wake up to his voice instead of my annoying blackberry alarms.

But at the same time I don't have him.
He's still a plane ride away, and another two weeks that are just dragging until I'm back home. And still an anatomy practical, six finals in my way. And I feel like I'm burning out already. We talk plenty, but I'm still worried that we might drift apart. Separate social lives, separate schedules. What if it's just too much?

The power went out today. Entire school. Apparently, the second years were having a practical and had just 9 minutes left. They have to finish on Monday and worry more this weekend. I couldn't stand to stay in my room, it was suffocating without the light and it was getting darker outside. So with two friends in tow, we went off to Intelligentsia (best coffee by far in Chicago) by Millennium Park (it's really autumn now...) for a break and to study there, which digressed into going to a bookstore and looking at bridal magazines instead for two hours with coffee.

I felt like I was home again. Just being silly, doing silly things, without having the stress of constant exams on my mind. It made me miss more than just missing him. I missed doing absolutely mundane errands and the most random tangents of our days together. Like taking an unplanned left turn on Hill St. and going future house "shopping". Going to LA Mill for siphon brewed coffee (though sg had the best and only siphon brewed Jamaican Blue Mountain. Sigh. I miss it.) and faux-stalking Eton, head barista, and arguing if it's pronounced "ee-ton" or "eh-ton". I forget which side I was arguing for even now.

Two more weeks. I'm always counting down.

only time will tell.

It's been a month and a week since I last saw him. And when I got his message that he was waiting for me, I left class, thinking I would be back in time for the physiology exam review that upcoming week. Instead, I couldn't leave, and I didn't.

It feels like months have passed since I last saw him. Though it's only been a month, all the little things slipped my mind, the way he kisses me, the way he looks at me when I'm falling asleep, the way his arm drapes around my waist when we're asleep. Maybe it was the way I was coping, with not being able to have him in my life everyday. But it all came back so fast and in such vivid clarity, and I'm so thankful he was here with me.

I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. This back and forth living with and without him. I'm not patient enough. Everything happens in its own time, but when?

A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

Edit: He left today. He told me to think of it as he's going off to work...and he'll be home soon. Although it'll be me coming home to him in a month and a half. Now to survive the remaining exams and finals and practicals, so I can go home to him. I just want to feel his breathing against the back of my neck as he sleeps with his arms around me.

(in)security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring

I took it too far, enough to irritate him. I didn't mean to. I never do of course. A bad habit of mine.

It was just teasing about what if he finds someone else while we're away from each other. Who knows, maybe he'll have doubts about me. I don't, for the first time. It's an unfamiliar feeling, being happier than I thought I ever could be, which is more than I've hoped for. Well, as happy as I could be four hours away from him. And yes, I'm thankful it's not even farther than that, I'm aware of the small blessings.

There is no reason I can think of for being insecure. He's everything short of perfection. And I'm a total damaged mess, scared the same things will happen to me again, that things I hoped for are taken away from me in one fell swoop. It shouldn't be allowed to bring the emotional carry-on that comes from the one before, but how do we leave it behind? Aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes? And if we do, wasn't the lesson be careful with my heart? It's fragile I've learned, although apparently in anatomy class, it'll be just fine protected by my ribcage. He promised to keep it safe. Promises were made to be broken, weren't they?

I feel so open, like he can read me. It makes me nervous to feel vulnerable. But there is no one else who I would feel safe with, knowing me.

To trust him completely. Almost all of me does. I'm trying.

8 more days.

You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way
[Joss Stone - Security]

one week left.

Since Rhea mentioned the baby steps and big leaps...here's mine.

It's one week until I leave for Chicago.
And it's one week and one day until it's been ten months with him.

It was unbelievable almost ten months ago, when I met someone new who surprised and delighted me after recently dealing with a disappointing turn in my life. It was surreal when Rhea found her someone new who made her feel the same way. And then suddenly, it occurred to us our small group of friends from college were all in relationships of varying lengths but of similar sentiments.

We were all either falling in love, or had already kerplunked into it and were happily swimming in it like pairs of cuddle-fishies.

But as the months passed (and we kept count), out came the hurdles. Shari had to move to London because her visa didn't come through. Akhil moved back to India because he had visa issues as well. Tiff didn't get her visa either and soon she'll be going back home to Manila. Kat is going to med school in DC while Al stays up in New York.

As for me, I got accepted into the optometry school in Chicago. And with the exception of the first and only summer break, the short winter and spring breaks, I'll be in Chicago for the next four years. When I'm done, I'll be turning 27 that year, which is a scary thought, especially since it was that age of settling down way back when but now it's looming closer than expected. I'm thankful at least that Doug (from Singapore, getting a PhD at Caltech) is here for the next four years as well, so we won't be doing international long distance like Rhea is. But what happens after four years? Where will I go home to, LA or Singapore?

The thing is, as those who love me know, I've given the long distance thing a try once before. First it was domestic, then international, and to just really rub salt in the wound (because it did hurt), there was no e-mailing, skyping, or calling - just letters. And though I was given a time limit of two years separated, I could never really see the end to it. So when I decided to go to Chicago, and knowing how the separation could feel like, doing it for the second time seemed unthinkable. Of course, I could think of it the way Tiff said - I've grown up, matured, and learned from my mistakes. And maybe I have. I certainly hope so.

So instead of worrying about what will happen in four years, I'll make sure I have the most updated version of Skype, that my Blackberry is always fully charged, and hopefully we'll always have a plan to see each other once a month.