With this all-powerful defense mechanism, I've managed to convince myself of the following things:
- I don't really need to pack even though I need to ship boxes of my crap across an OCEAN...
- Because I'm not really leaving New York. I'm gonna live here forever! I'm going to live forever!
- My boyfriend and I don't need to discuss the painful stuff like whether to stay together or break up. It's a perfect world and we're going to stay together forever! (It sounds much better when done in a creepy, raspy, darth-vader, stalker tone of voice)
Kidding aside, deep down the reality has actually set in and hit me hard.
I'm actually scared shitless of the thought of being away from him. Karl has been a phone call and a drive away everyday for the last few years, and will now have to be an email/skype/big body of water away. It hurts me to know that the warmth that has held me every night as I drifted into sleep will now be replaced by a cold, lifeless pillow. The smiles, the goodmorning kisses, the smell of him after a shower (or anytime, really), the feel of his newly shaven head against my fingers... all of that will now be memories instead of the habit that I've become accustomed to, and unfortunately taken for granted.
It breaks my heart whenever he says that he's waited for so long, and tried so hard to get me and that in the end it's come to this.
So here I am, twenty one days away from a tearful airport scene and a painful goodbye, from the the man who'll be keeping with him a big chunk of the heart that he fixed up...
I'm going to be carrying lots of tissues.
Photo With The Ocean That Would Inevitably Separate UsSan Francisco, CA - Summer 2007
post-blogging edit:
ME (9:37:35 AM) : sigh
ME
ME (9:37:40 AM) : i haven't packed
ME (9:37:43 AM) : i have to do that soon
ME (9:37:44 AM) : soonish
HIM (9:37:46 AM) : =(
ME (9:37:52 AM) : your closet's going to be so empty
HIM (9:38:03 AM) : so will my heart
2 comments:
omg tiff. i almost cried when i read this post. i'm so emotional these days. big changes are tough and denial is almost always the first step. but lots of love to you (and karl) from DC.
ditto! i felt really touched by your entry because, in more ways than you think, i really relate (ie i know that tearful/embarrassing goodbye scene all too well and i FORGOT my tissues). take heart!!! goodbyes are tough but them make the reunions all the more meaningful. and we are young and have lots of time in the future to live the lives we want. you'll be ok and so will he! i know it. and of course, you can always see my 1st post to get better acquainted with the infinite ways you can make the transition easier. all my love to you guys!
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