Love Remains the Same...

"I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change...

I wish this could last forever...
Love Remains the Same"
-Gavin Rossdale, Love Remains the Same

After numerous conversations and weeks of debating the pro's and con's of doing the long distance thing, we finally decided that it was worth giving it a try and sticking it out. We've discussed it numerous times and it seemed inevitable that we were going to break up the day of my flight (Friday, Aug. 29, 10:10am) because the idea of not knowing when or if I'd even be back in the US of A was just making the already-uncertain future even more murky. Being both "dark and twisty" people we wanted to play it safe and break it off before anyone gets hurt.

So imagine Karl's surprise when a little drunken Tiffany stumbled over to him after 3 beers, 1 shot of Soco Lime, 1 shot of Jaeger, 1 shot of Kamikaze and 1 shot of I-have-no-effing-clue-but-I-probably-shouldn't-have-done-that and said "People at this party are asking about us and what we're going to do and I said that we're doing long distance so if we're not you're going to have to tell them all and make me look bad."

Luckily for me, he had actually wanted to do long distance as well. Whew!

Drunken Tiffy saves the relationship! jk! Imagine that as a superhero. Corporate peon by day, Drunken Relationship Saver by night!

Anyway the inspiration for this entry was to share a song that I've been in love with for a little while. Gavin Rossdale from the alternative rock group Bush was my biggest crush when I was in 5th grade riding in a carpool with my brother and his friends. I was the uncool, annoying baby sister who grew up listening to music from them and other alternative/rock bands like Nirvana (hello, Al!), Stone Temple Pilots, Smashing Pumpkins, and Soundgarden to name a couple.

So when Gavin Rossdale came out with this new song I just had to share it with you. It's also featured in the trailer of this new movie (sappy chick flick?) coming up starring Richard Gere and the I-want-to-age-as-gracefully-as-you Diane Lane called Nights in Rodanthe.

So, here it is, Love Remains the Same. YouTube video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R8Qvm24dbU

Karl and I both think it's a song about a second chance at love. And hope.

Hope you enjoy! Miss you all!

Love,
Tiffy

Everyday struggle...

As I was “Strolling down memory lane.” I thought I’d join the forum. It’s been a bit over a month and a half since Rhea left India and I can’t say I’ve gotten used to not seeing her around. I cherish the time we spent traveling together the few months she was here and I really hope this was a small preview of what is in store for our future.

When I came here in February, I had expectations for a great summer and the transition became easier because I knew I would see her soon. I don’t have that luxury right now and it’s difficult. It’s difficult not being there to go out on dates, to visit her in school, to miss her white coat ceremony. All I can do is assure her that like anything else, this phase shall pass and we’ll be together again.

Fortunately, I’ve found a partner who’s loving, understanding, and willing to share the trials as well as the tribulations of a long distance relationship. I’m quite a lucky guy.

Congratulations Miss First Year Representative for AMA at RWJ!

Strolling down memory lane.

What can I say? I wish my long distance situation was over! I miss him (x 10). And I get worried that I don't remember what its like to go out with him, to watch tv and cook together, to drive around, to joke, to just hang out. I want to see all of his faces. I want to be able to hold hands, have someone to spend my weekends with. I want my boyfriend back. And I hate that I can't talk much about my situation without getting that squinty, "awww, that sucks" look. I don't want to feel bad about my situation. I realize that its not for everyone and that most don't understand it. But that doesn't mean its not possible. I believe that so why don't others? 

I agree with Al; distance makes you rethink a lot of what you have and don't have. Its not easy to not have him be able to visit me, go on dates, come to my white coat ceremony. And yet, I wouldn't want any other person. There's just something there that we have that I know I won't have with any other person. So I content myself with msging...though its not all bad.

HIM: ur so good to me :-)

ME: hah right, i cant even be there for you, i feel crappy abt this distance

HIM: its ok, i love you

So I guess I weather the tough times and be thankful for the little things, like those 3 little words that fill space and time and distance. I may not remember all the little things, but I'll definitely look forward to the memories to come. 

Btw: Days until 1st Anatomy exam and/or sudden meltdown - 28

Empty Chair

Sometimes I think, "Gee, being on my own is so fun. I can do what I want, I can watch what I want, and I can go where I want." But, I realize that I miss her so much. I need her here with me. I want her here with me. I blame her for not being here but, in the end it is my fault. I should be there. I lose control without her. I have become so dependent on her that it scares me. The her is Katrina, from her earlier posts. I dare you to try a long distance relationship, I challenge you. I have become a monster, I get angry all the time. I tell myself that it is not because of her, but it is. I know, I know, this is a very dark and angry post but, when you have dealt with what I have this is honest. Sometimes angry is good, it gets the crazy out. I just am very broken up by her not with me. I love her so much, and sometimes I don't show it. It is the simple things, like visits or phone calls. Medical school makes her very busy so, I don't get visits or phone calls like I use too. But, hey, later in life I guess I can reap the benefits from doctor life. It just sucks, I don't know how people do this. I have never felt like this before but getting older has changed me. My friends now spend all their time with their girls and where is mine?!?!?! My advice is to remember every moment and down right take mental photos of your other. You never know when you will be apart. But who am I to talk, I am just a miserable person, who sometimes likes the drama. Good luck with the distance. Oh yeah, that pic is the Chinese symbol for true love. I think I can actually explain what love means, so I guess distance did do something for me. Go Mets!!!!

in between posts...

another visit from my honey in less than 48 hours :) . i promise a real post in the near future, but until then, here's a little something, something:


we're cheesy.

Counting Down To The Big Day (Not In A Good Way)

Denial.

With this all-powerful defense mechanism, I've managed to convince myself of the following things:

1. I don't really need to pack even though I need to ship boxes of my crap across an OCEAN...
2. Because I'm not really leaving New York. I'm gonna live here forever! I'm going to live forever!
3. My boyfriend and I don't need to discuss the painful stuff like whether to stay together or break up. It's a perfect world and we're going to stay together forever! (It sounds much better when done in a creepy, raspy, darth-vader, stalker tone of voice)

** Denial! Try it TODAY! **

Kidding aside, deep down the reality has actually set in and hit me hard.

I'm actually scared shitless of the thought of being away from him. Karl has been a phone call and a drive away everyday for the last few years, and will now have to be an email/skype/big body of water away. It hurts me to know that the warmth that has held me every night as I drifted into sleep will now be replaced by a cold, lifeless pillow. The smiles, the goodmorning kisses, the smell of him after a shower (or anytime, really), the feel of his newly shaven head against my fingers... all of that will now be memories instead of the habit that I've become accustomed to, and unfortunately taken for granted.

It breaks my heart whenever he says that he's waited for so long, and tried so hard to get me and that in the end it's come to this.

So here I am, twenty one days away from a tearful airport scene and a painful goodbye, from the the man who'll be keeping with him a big chunk of the heart that he fixed up...

I'm going to be carrying lots of tissues.

Photo With The Ocean That Would Inevitably Separate Us
San Francisco, CA - Summer 2007

post-blogging edit:
ME (9:37:35 AM): sigh

ME (9:37:40 AM): i haven't packed

ME (9:37:43 AM): i have to do that soon

ME (9:37:44 AM): soonish

HIM (9:37:46 AM): =(

ME (9:37:52 AM): your closet's going to be so empty

HIM (9:38:03 AM): so will my heart

sleepy blogging

Day 1 of orientation is over and I've already spent 15 hour getting to know my fellow classmates/future colleagues. I'm excited to say that things are figuring themselves out already. My nerves have settled, its the weekend so I talked [awhile] with my boy, and I've found an anatomy book to start reading that doesn't completely freak me out about how much I need to learn.

I'm happy to find my blog has been a way for me to keep in touch with my friends from far-away. I only needed to revisit my page to find out what they've been up to and how much our lives have become parallel over the last few months. Now if only I can get some more contributers...any volunteers?

I started reading this book for my PCM course and I'm worried I'm already addicted! This writer is excellent and he has an interesting story to tell. If any of you are looking for something to pick up, this is one to add to the reading list. Who knew medical school could offer some good reading suggestions outside the biochemistry/anatomy genre? On that note, back to reading...

pseudo long distance

So I'm sort of new to this whole "long distance" thing. As a matter of fact, I don't know if I even fit in here, considering my love is technically not even across time zones (although if it were I am sure it wouldn't be any less immense). And I can't really relate to the international phone call/calling card dilemma either, considering we have pretty good domestic cell phone plans. And I might not even have any right to complain about missing my boy, since he's paying me an extended visit right now and will probably do so regularly. What I can say, however, is that I know the distance won't be easy (and some days will be worse than others), but I am optimistic because I know, in the grand scheme of things (aka the rest of lives together), a few months apart is not that long, and 225 miles apart is not that far. In the mean time, here's how things are going so far:

Time living in DC -- 19 days
Time spent with the boy since the move -- 6 days
Time spent traveling between DC and NY -- 26 hours
Time spent in med school classs -- 18 hours
Time spent studying after class -- 15 hours
Time spent texting/on the phone/gchatting -- many hours
Time spent skyping -- None (see R's last post)
Time spent missing him -- any time I'm not with him

So, in short, I do miss my boy often, but missing just makes the time we do have together all the more valuable (even if it means spending 13 hours traveling to hang out for a day). That's all for now. I'll give some DC-NY relationship pointers another day :)